The Ass In Me

If I were an animal what animal would I be? Well, I'd have to say that I'd likely be a donkey. But I would not be your typical burrow. I'd be gray and fluffy. I'd have pink ears, a black mane, and a long tail held on by a drawing pin. Plus I'd live in a rather gloomy and boggy place deep in the Hundred Acre Woods. Sure, I share the qualities of some of the other woodland inhabitants – the pig's timidity and anxiety, the rabbit's OCD, the tiger's need for Ritalin, and the bear's forgetfulness and insatiable appetite. However, it is the donkey named Eeyore that I am most akin to.

And if Eeyore were human, I'm sure he would be a Chinese boy, quiet and courteous, short in hope and in height, one that would keep to himself and would once in a while write about how he felt. Though he is not based on me (unless Milne had a time machine of sorts) and I definitely do not model my life after a fictionalized donkey, there seems to be an uncanny, unintentional semblance here. I understand how it feels to be going nowhere fast (or slowly) – stuck in one place, doing the same menial tasks everyday. I know what it's like to be part of a group, yet still feel like an outsider looking in, or just some insignificant, inconsequential, peripheral character to everyone else's own essentially essential life story. I empathize with him when it comes to feeling completely out of place, relating to no one around him, and being stuck with the constant feeling that nothing good will ever happen.

Of course if I had a choice, I would not choose to be a despondent donkey… but maybe a mystery-solving dog or a ninjitsu-trained turtle instead. I hate feeling like an ass all the time. I do not lead the perfect, storybook life but I feel I have a story worth telling.

Still, like the old, stubborn mule that has accompanied me for so very long, I cannot seem to escape this melancholy mindset. He has always felt like a familiar, forlorn friend who would frequently share with me in my sorrow. It was nice to know such that even though he wasn't real, if he were we would sympathize with each other's souls.

Yet, I must move on. The donkey named Eeyore and the boy named Ryan are destined for divergent paths. And depression is a rather unhealthy pastime alone. Of course I've known this for some time – it's just that after all this time, it's hard to know what to do. I have become far too complacent – so very comfortable being unhappy that happiness feels uncomfortable. But I feel the enduring effects of it affecting me. I feel weak; I feel tired. There is a weight and heaviness that I feel behind my eyes every time I close them. I feel my mind whirring and chugging unproductively like an old computer processor, worn and slowed from years of heavy use, abuse, and being filled with much superfluous junk. The words which used to flow from my fingertips, now clogged and just trickle here and there from time to time (this composition proved to be like pulling teeth, but like… from inside my brain). I need to do what Neo did. I need to take the red pill. I need to free my mind.

Yes, my mind – that which may very well be my second best asset (next to my heart… not the physical one, but the one where my compassion stems from) – is what I imagine is also mine own worst enemy. I'd imagine your mind might also be your own worst enemy as well. Though maybe not as morose as mine, I'm certainly sure that your thoughts often counteract the actions your heart may have made otherwise. Our minds turn us to greed and lust and hate, not our hearts.

Everyone wants to be happy and everyone has lists a mile long of things we think will make us happy. Everyday we wake up and spend the greater part of our day thinking and hoping and planning to make these dreams of ours come true. But what people do not realize is that just because we want them, it doesn't mean we need them to be happy.

Happiness is a matter of the heart, just as faith is. It is the investment of heart which shows the greatest returns. Why do you think we feel such great accomplishment and satisfaction when we see a labor of love come to fruition? Loving and lasting relationships prosper when two hearts beat in unison. Our hearts fill with right relationships, horizontally and vertically, and when our hearts are full, we are complete. And THAT is a matter of FACT.

Contrastingly, sex, power, drugs, and money may make you feel good (well, at least that's what I've been told) for a brief moment, but such are mere fleeting feelings. Without strong faith, family, and friendships, everything else is frivolous… like chasing the wind.

I found it interesting that the donkey, the pig, the rabbit, the tiger, and the bear (among the other animals) – all having really a severe set of mental and emotional issues – resided inside the mind of a little boy named Christopher Robin. And even though fears and anxieties and depression were all present, that little boy seemed unhindered by them. He took them and led them confidently through innumerable successful adventures. I think that this may tell us something about ourselves and about children. Maybe we need to forget about all the negative thoughts floating around in our heads and approach life more as a child would. Maybe we need to embrace the right relationships wholeheartedly, with no reservations whatsoever, just as a kid would embrace his/her mother and father. Maybe we need to take each other's hand and help each other through life's little adventures. And just maybe through the eyes of a child, hope will endure and everything will seem possible once again. And just maybe "with a little love and some tenderness, we'll walk upon the water; we'll rise above the mess. [And] with a little peace and some harmony, we'll take the world together; we'll take them by them hand." Yes, I have a hand for you, and I will run with you…

Sorry… I couldn't help but inject a little Hootie in there… I'm a little like family programming from the 80's: dorky, super corny, mildly entertaining, and I have a lesson to share with you at the very end. Did you understand the moral of our story, folks? Reread it if you missed it. As for myself, I understand that I have a long way to go: I need to upgrade the SPAM-filter in my brain so as to block all the downer thoughts that congest my central processor and get me so down all the time; I need to focus on the heart of life instead of my list of wants; and I need to approach faith and love without any reservations. Stop being an ass, take a deep, long look in your self and you will see that that's the only things in life that you will ever need.

Little Wooden Boy

Almost the same parts as any ordinary boy –
I almost look like I fit in.
And yet –
I never feel like I ever do.
My Maker made me the best He could,
With care and love and the best of intentions.
He had a plan, saw a bright future for me,
But it seems a few pieces forgotten, misplaced,
In that involved, intricate process,
Has left something absent inside of me…
A real boy I am not.

As the days go by and years pass,
The frail veil of innocence wears thin,
And I see just how incredibly different I am –
Awkward in my movements, my actions, and my words;
Unable to truly be an authentic participant in real life;
Unable to be a part of something more, something special;
Unwanted, unneeded, unloved;
The inability to be normal.
Money, magic wands, miracles –
None of which can fix me…
No happily ever after in sight.

I look at this wondrous and beautiful world in front of me,
And I feel nothing –
Nothing but the loneliness and longing in my heart,
Or for me, the void where a heart would regularly reside.
The unending feeling
Of being forever lost,
Forever forlorn.
Under such circumstances,
It would be easy to wish that I were someone else but me.
It would be easy to feel sorry for myself.
It would be easy to just curse my Creator and Die…

But what good would that do me?

I do not hate my Father for who I am.
I do not wish to be someone else.
And despite all my defects,
Never would I wish to be something I am not.
Money, magic wands, miracles –
None of which I would want change me.
No shooting star do I need to wish upon.
For any fate different from this,
Would be the unnatural one.
I am who I am,
And I just know I have been formed
With something good in mind.
And if I am destined to wander this world lost and alone for all eternity,
Then let it be.
It would be my life that I had made the most of and mine alone…
And that would be enough for me.

This little wooden boy will not give up on this world so easily.
There is no question that life is hard,
But it won't let you down unless you let it.
I may be frail and fragile,
But my will and resolve are stronger than oak.
My tongue may not be sharp, nor is it quick,
But my actions will speak louder than words ever could.
My head may be empty and hollow,
But is all the more open to fresh ideas and perspectives.
I may be made of wood,
But my spirit is golden.
I may be different from everything else in this world,
But that won't stop me from making a difference on it.
I do not know if or how I will overcome all the storms and obstacles in life,
But, with my conscious as my guide and my Father by my side,
I know that everything will be well in the end.