A Sudden Change in Plans

An old post of mine that I hope will help a new friend.

[2009]… I planned for a year like no other. I planned for a great year. I planned for a new job that I could be passionate about. I planned to watch my sister graduate and finally come back home for good. I also planned to look for a place of my own shortly thereafter. And even more importantly, I planned on getting my family to church for the first time in years. It was going to be a great year. But… there was a change in plans.

I don’t know… I guess I must have been planning my life with the wrong set of blueprints – some engineer I turned out to be… Like the Joker showed James Gordon and company, plans to control the future – plans to manipulate the world and lives around them – were nothing, but futile and pathetic. Never mind the fact that their intentions were for the greater good and safety of Gotham and its citizens – plans almost never go as… planned. The Joker wasn’t present in my predicament, but I was enough the fool to think that everything would just fall nicely into place solely based on some well-laid plans and good intentions.

Well… It certainly turned out to be a year like no other. However, it is nowhere near the stratosphere of what I would have considered great. If I could turn back the hands of time, if I could open my eyes and wake up from this horrible nightmare, without one iota of a shred of hesitation, I would do so. But I can’t. I am already awake and this nightmare is in fact my reality. So here I stand in the rubble of what used to be the life I once knew with two questions on my mind: (1) why; and (2) where do I go from here?

Not the “Kerrigan” why (a.k.a. ‘Why me!?’), but an all-encompassing ‘why’…? Why do bad things happen? Why does God sometimes interrupt our lives when things seem to be going smoothly? Why did He change the course of my life when I finally felt I was on the right track? Yes, despite what has happened, I still believe in God’s master plan… so does this mean I must believe that everything happens for a reason? Even the bad? Well, I certainly, without a doubt… have no clue whatsoever why the events of my life are unfolding in this particular manner, but I do believe that everything does happen for a reason. And I believe that there is a reason that I am still here on this spinning globe. I believe that I can do some good. I believe that I was not meant to live the sort of commonplace life that so many seek – the kind of drama-free, non-eventful existence, void of suffering or sorrow. And I believe the same for you too. For without strife, success will never be achieved. Without pain, there will be no gain.

Although one may think the contrary, as I seem to advocate pain and suffering, and continue to run into walls every step of the way, I am not a masochist. I do not run into walls willfully. And I am not that stupid. I know that most walls are hard and I know it hurts when you run into them. I hope you should know the same too. However, you must be willing to encounter some walls in life and not just turn the other way when you see one. Anyone who shies away from the very mention of pain and turns the very moment life starts getting even a little difficult or uncomfortable does not have a clue of what life really is about. The problem with most of our lives is not God’s supposed inconvenient, sometimes painful, and unfortunate timing, but our own unrealistic expectations, self-centered thinking, foolhardy planning, and of course our inability to incorporate God’s plan when it is staring us straight in the face. Life is not supposed to be easy and God’s plans are not optional. Face your walls. See what’s on the other side of them. That’s where God’s waiting for you.

Yes, sometimes God does put walls in your way… sometimes to test you… sometimes to make you stronger… and sometimes to show you just how much we all need Him. Oftentimes we do turn the other way – we intentionally ignore Him because He just doesn’t seem to fit into our lifestyles. We don’t have the time and effort to deal with Him on a daily basis let alone on Sundays. And it is in this that we have our downfall – plain and simple: we think too much about ourselves. It’s not something we want to hear and it’s so easy to deny ourselves the truth, but we easily get too wrapped up in trying to make the story of our lives great that we let the greatest story of all time fall to the wayside. We think so highly of ourselves that we forget about others, yet we still get so upset when others stop paying attention to us. It’s time we get over ourselves!

The supposed “American Dream” is one reason for this false sense of thinking. The pursuit of the American Dream is not the pursuit of true happiness and the ultimate culmination of fulfillment in our lives that we readily think it is, but actually the path to superficial happiness and ultimate fulfillment of one’s sloth, avarice, and complacency. Happily ever after is not meant for our lives here on earth, but our eternities up in Heaven. We graduate – we gain our freedom, we find careers/jobs that suit us and our lifestyles, we find the love of our lives, get the 2.5 kids, the house, the dog, and the big screen TV with surround sound, then we look back at our lives and we think, “Is THAT it?!?”. That’s why so many of us are bored and discontented in our lives and in our marriages. That’s why so many of us seek excitement elsewhere or try to create unnecessary drama in our lives. That’s why we have broken families, a crumbling morality, and wear masks to pretend that everything is all right. Everything is not alright. We want the extraordinary, but we are only willing to expose ourselves to the ordinary. We cannot see clearly because we’ve been wearing our masks most of the time. People do not learn living in a sterile vacuum with rose-colored spectacles on – we grow from facing our adversities and embracing life’s experiences. We profit and prosper from the questions we ask and the answers we seek.

It would be easy for a person in my position to play the pity card. Why me? My family and I – the victims of some major, cosmic injustice! Sure, we may garner some sympathy and pity, but this false sense of comfort would not last long. I could go on and on about what happened to us, but what good would that accomplish? That is not why I write. I’m not to here to tell you my sob story. The story here is not what is important – it’s what happens after the story that counts. It’s about how we react to change and tragedy. It’s about what happens when we don’t get our way, when our plans go awry. ‘Why me’ accomplishes nothing but wasting everybody’s time. Neither would it be right to go on with life completely ignoring what happened. It is critical – for our sanity and for our future – that amidst our tragedy, we must ask the right questions and seek their complete answers. Otherwise we are doomed to walk forever in darkness, depression and confusion. If we ever want peace and understanding, we must work through it with Him and not our delude ourselves with our own convenient version of reality. If we ever want to know what is in store for our lives and live it to its fullest potential, we must search for the light. For it is only in the light that things can hope to grow – it is only within the full light and recognition of what happened, might we see what God wants in our lives.

Whether you choose to believe it or not, God has done everything – catastrophe or blessing – to get us where He needs us to be. Every step of the way, in all things, God is working to shape us. He chips away at our rough and callous exteriors and removes the chips that reside on our shoulders. Even though we cannot see how, through our pain and suffering, we are being made to be more like Christ.

Fight, resist all you want – your plans, your agenda pales in comparison to the masterful plans that He has for your life and everyone else’s. Just step back and look around you: we are just small, insignificant specks on a gigantic globe – tiny grains of sand on an infinite beach. Our lives, our voice, our story – we’re just one diminutive thread in God’s intricate tapestry. Each of us is a part of God’s artful masterpiece, but we need Him to set us in the right place. Otherwise, the entire thing unravels…

So what’s the best course of action? To believe whatever we want to believe – just as long as it suits our needs? To think we deserve more than others – that the only person we have to serve is ourselves? Do you really think that it is in our best interest to ignore the all-powerful, all-knowing creator of the Heavens and the universe and think we know better than Him or that He doesn’t even exist? And then what happens? We get knocked off our high horse like Saul… we get thrown into pits and prisons like Joseph… we lose sight of the real prize and lose everything we were ever blessed with like Samson. And these were all men who believed in God but decided to do things their way! What about the unbelievers and the skeptics? What will it take for God to get your attention? Does He need to come at you with a 2 x 4 before you believe He’s out there?!

Please, heed my warning; learn from my experience. If it wasn’t for my dad, I would have never studied Engineering. If I never studied Engineering, I would have never worked at KN Consulting. If I hadn’t worked at KN, I would have never joined 24-Hour Fitness. If I hadn’t joined the gym, I would have never met Trisha. If I had never met her, I would have never come to ....New Hope..... And if I never came to ....New Hope...., well, I probably would not have much hope now… and I definitely would not be speaking to you today. It was hard enough for me to deal with the tragedies in my life with God that I’d hate to think where my dark mind would have taken me without Him. Each stepping stone: critical to making me the man I am today. Each trial, each struggle although so painful and trying, has given me more faith and, in turn, strength to persevere. It is not until we change our hearts and minds; mature and grow in the Lord that we can understand the storms we must endure and the true future He holds for us all. Listen to God. Let Jesus be your guide. Life is the highest of mountains you must climb and you will need help to reach the top. HE is your Tenzing Norgay. HE is the only guide that can take you to the very top. Don’t plan the trip up yourself because your plans and mine are flawed and you will fall. Follow Him – He knows the way.

Chris Carrabba expressed the struggle we have within us in a recent song of his called Get Me Right:

I need my maker
To cure me of/ My doubting blood
And drain me of/ The sins I love
And take me from/ My disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it remains inside of me
It battles me and devours me
It cuddles up/ Beside of me
In whispers it convinces me I’m right.

Let us stop and think about it: who’s right? Who holds the best plans for our lives? Is it us? One day my family will come to church… maybe not today… may be not next week… or the week after next… may be not here… It may not be due to the foolish schemes of this clown, but because of the loving guidance of The King of Kings and The Lord of Lords… according to His timetable and His perfect, immaculate plans."